A note: "I think we have become roommates" is one of the most painful sentences couples say in therapy. Low desire is often discussed like a personal defect, but in long-term relationships it is usually a relationship signal. This article explains what actually helps.
What we mean by a sexless marriage
Many sources define a sexless marriage as fewer than ten sexual encounters per year. That threshold can be useful, but it is not the core clinical question. The question is whether one or both partners feel disconnected, rejected, lonely, or resigned in the relationship.
Some couples have low frequency and feel emotionally close. Others have more frequent sex but still feel unseen. Intimacy is not only frequency; it is emotional safety, responsiveness, and mutual desire.
Low desire is often relational, not just biological
Medical factors can absolutely matter: hormones, thyroid issues, medication side effects, sleep debt, chronic pain, postpartum changes, and stress physiology. A medical check-in is often appropriate.
In long-term marriages, however, low desire frequently tracks relationship conditions: unprocessed resentment, unresolved conflicts, chronic criticism, emotional withdrawal, parenting overload, and the loss of friendship. Desire drops when safety and connection drop.
What the Gottman Method changes
Gottman-based couples work does not treat desire like a switch to force on. It rebuilds the conditions that make desire possible:
- Friendship and love maps: knowing each other’s current inner world, not an outdated version of each other.
- Turning toward: responding to small bids for connection in daily life.
- Repair after conflict: reducing criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and shutdown patterns.
- Emotional safety: creating a relationship climate where vulnerability is not punished.
When these improve, many couples notice desire returning as a byproduct of connection rather than pressure.
The “two-pile” problem
Most couples try to solve sexual frequency while the relationship foundation is unstable. That usually fails. In therapy, we separate two piles:
- friendship, trust, communication, and conflict repair;
- sexual pattern, initiation, rejection, and needs negotiation.
Trying to fix pile two while pile one is on fire keeps couples stuck. Rebuild foundation first, then address sexual pattern directly.
For South Asian and Muslim couples in Canada
Cultural context matters. Silence around intimacy, shame language, extended-family pressure, performance of a “good marriage,” and fear of judgment can all suppress honest conversations. Therapy works best when these layers are named directly, not bypassed.
For couples navigating in-law dynamics, identity stress, and faith concerns, intimacy work must be culturally and spiritually informed to be effective and respectful.
When individual work is needed too
Sometimes one partner is carrying trauma, body-image distress, religious shame, or burnout that requires parallel individual therapy. Couples therapy and individual therapy can be combined strategically to reduce gridlock and improve outcomes.
Frequently asked questions
Can therapy really help if this has been going on for years?
Yes. Long-standing patterns can change with structured, evidence-based work and consistent follow-through.
What if one partner has higher desire and feels rejected?
That pain is real. Therapy helps couples move from blame to a shared map of what is happening and what each partner needs.
What if one partner has lower desire and feels pressured?
That pain is also real. Therapy creates safety so desire can be explored without coercion or shame.
Can we do this virtually?
Yes. Virtual couples therapy is effective for many relationship and intimacy concerns.
If you are ready to begin
You do not need the perfect words before reaching out. If your relationship feels emotionally distant, that is enough reason to start.
You can book a free 15-minute consultation, or learn more on the couples counselling service page.
Clinical disclaimer: This article provides psychoeducational information only and does not constitute clinical advice or establish a therapeutic relationship. If you are in crisis, please contact Talk Suicide Canada: 1-833-456-4566 (24/7) or text 45645.
